Late last year, the clothing boutique Goodnight Macaroon hosted an “influencer retreat” in Portland, Maine, during which they invited a whole cabal of thigh-high boot-wearing balayages to wear their clothes in Instagram photos. One such photo depicted them linked arm-in-arm, their pearly whites glistening against Facetune-perfected autumnal leaves, and soon circulated on social media, with entire swathes of the internet taking swipes at their off-camera Pumpkin Spice Lattes and possible multi-level marketing schemes.
On Sunday, a second group of influencers burned their smiling visages into my retinas. In a photo shared across various Christian influencer/home renovation/wine mom/“fashion inspiration” accounts, women held up title cards emblazoned with Pinterest-perfect penmanship that spelled out: “Stay home for the people you love. Be kind! Wash your hands. Let’s flatten the curve!”
At first, I couldn’t quite place where’d I’d seen these women before. Why were these spray tans and gleaming white teeth so familiar to me? And then, after briefly clicking through some of the tagged women, I found Goodnight Macaroon’s original post. Even without their Payless boots and chunky knit scarves, the resemblance was unmistakable. Briefly checking the tags on each photo, however, proved my suspicions were correct. Influencers that survive meme apocalypses together also seem to survive social distancing together!
So, how exactly are these women coping without each other? Well, they’re making collages on Instagram urging momfluencers and sorority girls to stay home and wash their hands. It also seems like many of them just got back from a joint Mexico vacation earlier this month, meaning they have plenty of beach photos to survive on until public spaces reopen for influencer photoshoots.
Sarah Knuth, who documents her home renovation journey on Instagram, is spending her time eating donuts in the car while peddling maternity loungewear discount codes. Sounds ideal!
Others, like Dede Read, are learning to manage their incredibly complicated blowout routines now that hairdressers across the country have closed up shop for the foreseeable future.
Thankfully, once you’re a boy mom, you’re always a boy mom. Good news for Peyton Baxter, who helpfully linked to her “boy mama” sweatshirt in the early days of mandatory social distancing regulations. I wonder if they’re still in stock?
Also, when you’re an influencer, the likelihood of owning expensive purses and luxury vehicles increases dramatically. Take Courtney Shields, for example. Her Louis Vuitton fit perfectly into her comfy, cozy, socially distanced Audi A7 photoshoot.
And despite reports of Amazon workers being subject to unsafe working conditions, influencers like Hollie Woodward are apparently still smashing the “proceed to purchase” button.
But most importantly, influencers are also people. They love, they know isolation and loneliness, they yearn for human affection. Jordan Underwood shared this heartbreaking message for all of us who miss our friends right now.
Anyway, I’m glad to know that influencers have each other through these trying times. More than anyone, they seem equipped to handle self-isolation and social distancing, with all those at-home photo studios and sponsored Instagram boutique leggings. But while I don’t think Pinterest calligraphy and inspirational quotes about luxury cars, boy moms, and all-white furniture can carry us through these troubling times alone—they’re